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"I, Alan James Ravenhurst, KSC, JFK Assassin,
Bull Goose of Limbo, Recreational Director
of the Wilhelm Reich Athletic Club, Dreamliner captain,
Assistant Philosopher, President of the Universal
Successionist Association (USA),
Chairperson of the Kronstadt Vengeance Committee,
Poet Laureate of the Randolph Bourne Association
for Revolutionary Violets, Minister in the Church
of Universal Life, Trustee for the Center
for Mythographic Arts, Correspondent
for the Desperate Imperialist News Service (DIN),
Vice President of the Generic Graffiti Council of the Americas,
CEO of the Umbrella Corporation and
of the Spare Change Investment Corporation,
Treasurer of the Commercial Erisian Orthodox Tabernacle,
Assistant Treasurer of the John-Dillinger-Died-For-You Society,
Public Relations Director of Precision Psychedelics,
Managing Editor of The Decadent Worker,
Public Security Committee Chief of the Revolutionary
Surrealist Vandal Party (RSVP),
Advisor to the Niccolo Machiavelli University of Jesuit Ethics,
Instructor of the Mullah Nasrudin Sufi Mime Troupe,
Dean of Bodhisattvas of the 12 Famous Buddha Mind School,
Mail Clerk of Junk Mail Associates,
Chaplaim of the Erotic Terrorism Committee
of the Fucking Communist Conspiracy (FCC, etc.),
Deputy Counsel of the International Brotherhood
of Doom Prophets, Local 666,
Alleged Founder of the Zenarchist
Affinity Group (ZAG) and
the Zenarchist Insurgency Group (ZIG),
Co-Founder of the Discordian Society,
Grand Master of the Legion of Dynamic Discord,
Saint 2nd Class in the Industrial Church of the SubGenius,
CEO of the Brooklyn Bridge Holding Company,
Executive Vice President of the Bank of Hell,
Chief Engineer of the Southern Fascist Railway
[ "Our Trains Run On Time!" ],
Inspector for the Political Correctness Division
of the Marta Batista Cola Company
and Satanist Quaker of 3388 Homera Place, Decatur,
Georgia do hereby swear (or affirm) on this day
of 13 October 2013 under penalty of perjury
that to the best of my knowledge,
all of the above and much of the below is true in some sense,
false in some sense, meaningless in some sense,
true and false in some sense,
true and meaningless in some sense,
false and meaningless in some sense,
and true and false and meaningless in some sense,
as the Discordian Church (or Synagogue) holds
as a central tradition (borrowed from Buddhism and,
thus, older than Christianity) tenet of its faith is true
of all affirmations."

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